Sex and the Zodiac

ZODIAC SIGNS

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You have an inventive mind and are inclined towards progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking JERK.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and often pick their noses.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20): You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered and impatient and scornful of advise. You are a PRICK.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 20): You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a God damned COMMUNIST.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a CHEAP BASTARD. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21-July 20): You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and inevitably not worth a shit.
Leo (July 21-Aug 20): You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your ignorance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors.
Virgo (Aug 21-Sept 20): You are the logical type and hate disorder. This knit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 21-Oct 20): You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent because most Libra women are whores. All Libra's usually get a venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 21-Nov 20): You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are MURDERED.
Sagittarius (Nov 21-Dec 20): You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot-heads. People laugh at you because you are always getting FUCKED.
Capricorn (Dec 21-Jan 19): You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.